Man, that last weekend, starting Friday 6th was eventful for me. On that day, the folks at MDT kept a small ceremony celebrating 10 years at MDT for me, and 10 years at inter.net.works for a friend. We got a plaque each stating our achievement, and 2 pieces of jewelry. And there was food! Important that, at any celebration. Where did the time go? Seems like only yesterday I was going UG and started at MDT. Now I'm 3+ years married with a 9mth daughter!
Saturday 7th 2 incredible things happened. The first marked 1 month since my last cigarette. Yeah, I know, that long already. I'm happy to say that cravings are much diminished now. It's no longer the body crying out for smoke. It's more like, sometimes, I miss that shit.
Second incredible thing: West Indies blew out England!!!! Whooohooo! LOL! By an innings with runs to spare! Hahaha. Sorry, indulge me, not often we die hard fans can enjoy such euphoria. We'll celebrate when we can. But the way things looking, we'll get more reason to celebrate.
On the way up? Never say never.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Diary continued
Yesterday turned out to be my biggest test to date since I quit smoking. We 2 musketeers (Caps disappeared on us) decided to play some pool after exercise. So we went to the Green House in UG Road. Not too bad a place that, 2 decent tables too.
Man, my nose seems to be attuned to the scent of cigarette smoke. It can be the faintest of smells, and I pick it up. Not only do I pick it up, I can identify (in most cases) the brand too! So we jump out of the van and I smell cigarette smoke - Bristol, Pall Mall - and my throat goes dry. Already I'm craving.
I think, ok, be strong now. We go in, order some games, vodka, and chaser. We play for a while. I sip my first shot and think, man, I really do miss holding a cigarette and drinking and playing pool. My mind is telling me that I quite enjoy holding a cigarette, and if I hold one, I'll feel better. I shrug that off.
My body screams, just one, just take one, you'll be ok. Just the one for the night. But I know, 1 becomes 2, becomes 20, and it is all for naught.
In walks HS, Troy is on his way he says. Great, more fun, more vodka, more games. We play 4-hand. We take turns winning. The craving increases. Troy says you can't quit suddenly, you have to ease off. I think he's wrong.
I think, it's a good thing Caps didn't make it after all, I might have given in first cigarette he stuck in his mouth.
Anyways, we 4 non-smokers have a blast, I get quite high, and we leave. I discover I get more than high when I reach home: eat, bathe, (according to Radha, fall asleep in the bath, and struggle with my clothes) and sleep. I can't remember any of that, she might be kidding. No, she says, really. Hmm...
This morning, hungover, headache. Awake at 6, feed Anusha, sleep again. Feel much better.
Benefits: I scrub the concrete downstairs, and I'm not as out of breath and tired as the last time I attempted this. The lungs don't burn gasping for air as before. I'm not even breathing too hard. The concrete looks much cleaner than last time too!
I'm sure us 3 musketeers will meet soon. That will be a bigger test, or maybe I'll be strong enough to shrug it off. I wonder though, for how long will I battle the craving? I've read books where the character seems to have given up smoking a number of years, and still craves every now and again. But then I think, how true is that? What does the author know about that?
Let's see though, eh?
Man, my nose seems to be attuned to the scent of cigarette smoke. It can be the faintest of smells, and I pick it up. Not only do I pick it up, I can identify (in most cases) the brand too! So we jump out of the van and I smell cigarette smoke - Bristol, Pall Mall - and my throat goes dry. Already I'm craving.
I think, ok, be strong now. We go in, order some games, vodka, and chaser. We play for a while. I sip my first shot and think, man, I really do miss holding a cigarette and drinking and playing pool. My mind is telling me that I quite enjoy holding a cigarette, and if I hold one, I'll feel better. I shrug that off.
My body screams, just one, just take one, you'll be ok. Just the one for the night. But I know, 1 becomes 2, becomes 20, and it is all for naught.
In walks HS, Troy is on his way he says. Great, more fun, more vodka, more games. We play 4-hand. We take turns winning. The craving increases. Troy says you can't quit suddenly, you have to ease off. I think he's wrong.
I think, it's a good thing Caps didn't make it after all, I might have given in first cigarette he stuck in his mouth.
Anyways, we 4 non-smokers have a blast, I get quite high, and we leave. I discover I get more than high when I reach home: eat, bathe, (according to Radha, fall asleep in the bath, and struggle with my clothes) and sleep. I can't remember any of that, she might be kidding. No, she says, really. Hmm...
This morning, hungover, headache. Awake at 6, feed Anusha, sleep again. Feel much better.
Benefits: I scrub the concrete downstairs, and I'm not as out of breath and tired as the last time I attempted this. The lungs don't burn gasping for air as before. I'm not even breathing too hard. The concrete looks much cleaner than last time too!
I'm sure us 3 musketeers will meet soon. That will be a bigger test, or maybe I'll be strong enough to shrug it off. I wonder though, for how long will I battle the craving? I've read books where the character seems to have given up smoking a number of years, and still craves every now and again. But then I think, how true is that? What does the author know about that?
Let's see though, eh?
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Diary of a smoker quitting.
I had my last cigarette Wednesday, January 7, 2009 in the evening. I started exercising after many years on the same evening incidentally. Me and my friend Petu decided that we way too out of shape. So we resolved to get back fit.
Workout that afternoon was a struggle (for me at least). We warmed up on the treadmill for 4 minutes, then on the bicycle for 4 minutes. My lungs were screaming by then. I was out of breath, but not gasping yet. Stretching it out now, and with every breath the body saying perhaps a break for a cigarette?
Before I continue, a little background. Way back in ’94, when we started UG – the usual suspects, the 3 musketeers, me, Caps and Petu – I started trying out smoking. So I would try a cigarette or 2 whenever we went out to 1st street, UG Road to play pool. Them visits became daily, and the cigarette or 2 became 5 or 20. After 2 weeks, I thought, this is a bad habit you picking up, best leave it. Next day, it took ALL of my strength and will-power to refuse to smoke, watching them others puffing away merrily. I realized then, damn, this shit powerful.
One week passed and I told myself, OK, I can kick this shit any time I want. Back to 1 or 2, and then 5 or 20. In ’96, classes and schedules and life becoming for the 3 musketeers what they were, our daily outings became a thing of the past. They became at least weekly. Meantime, I found other acquaintances to socialize with.
So I started working part-time (took UG part-time too) and the smoking eased for me. Managed to keep it to the weekly musketeer gathering. Except whenever there is a late night study session in the stables. Then it’s light up for company, and cigarettes burning around you to keep away the insects. Then in 2000, my life changed forever, all my dreams, hopes and aspirations shot down. An event that occurred with the migration from our country of the most beautiful person (then) to me. Oh well…
I’m still working, going to UG, all part-time. Only, now I’ve discovered dominos. So after hours it’s off to the club for that, and a smoke or 20. Then the Friday evening musketeering for some more pool, and definitely 2 or 20 cigs.
Late 2001 I’m living alone in my little apartment. I can smoke freely here!!! Yeah!!! You can’t imagine the stress relieved with one little smoke. I think by now you know I’m hopelessly addicted.
2003 arrives, I’m now taking smokes during the lunch break at work. Eventually, them breaks include one at 10.30am, and then at 3.30pm. I’m up to at least a pack a day now, everyday. Got married, a beautiful wife who chides me, but tolerates the smoking. Quit for the whole month of January last year, then started back. Why? I felt bored one day. Hmmm…
Then Anusha arrives, and I have to smoke outside the house. Until now.
So we back to January 7th, and worked up a sweat for ¾ hour. Free-hand exercises, because we know our bodies not ready for weights yet. Warm down and stretches. By now my lungs are on flame, my throat is dry and itching, I am gasping for air, and dying for a smoke. But my muscles feel good! I feel like Superman. The workout has done wonders for the body. I relish feeling this way again, after a long time.
We go outside for a breeze, and I can’t help it, even after being admonished by Petu. Out comes the pack, and I light up. The throat immediately frees up, but the lungs fill up and burns, but differently now. Strangely, I don’t feel so satisfied now. Cigarette tastes strangely. I look in the pack, one left, about right that is. Usually the case, then I have to replenish as I pass the shop on the way home.
But not tonight, I make up my mind, this will be the last. Even now I’m debating. But I make my mind resolute. After this one, I quit! So it’s off home now feeling very good about this. I’m passing the shop now, slowing down. Deep breath, keep riding, straight home. Settled down, had dinner, taking a rock in the hammock. Last smoke, enjoyable really. I feel as though a good friend is dying. To bed.
Morning, 8th January, 2009. I awaken. As usual, fighting sleep. Don’t want to get up. I’ve been told that this is how all smokers feel in the mornings. The throat is scratching, I’m coughing, trying to clear it. My entire body is screaming for a cigarette. I ignore it. Dressed, at work, make it through the day.
At home now, really struggling. From our verandah I can see the shop. Right across the street. Salvation! Cigarettes! I stay off the verandah, in the house. I browse the net a bit, read a bit, watch TV a bit. The craving is incredible. I feel as though every single pore in my body is beating at me, screaming, “We need smoke!” I probably walk up and down the stairs 3 or 4 times. The proximity of the shop is on my mind. I get hungry early. I eat. My body reminds me of the usual smoke after eating. I ignore that. We go to bed.
Same routine next day. Except, it’s another bout of exercising in the afternoon. Same reaction like Wednesday, except I feel lighter, stronger now. But it will take a while I’m sure for my breathing to get anywhere close to normal.
It’s Saturday now, and except for some house chores, which the wife decides to relieve me of today, I have absolutely nothing to do. Except play with Anusha, feed her a bit. Give her a bath. Nothing to do. I feel incredibly bored. And I “know” the only solution is a smoke. I show Anusha all the excitement of the road from the verandah. I’m reminded how terribly close that damned shop is to home. Ok, so I show Anusha how much fun inside the house is too. I make it to bed time.
Sunday. An even more boring day than Saturday. Have you ever noticed when your DVD player not working, absolutely nothing good shows on TV? Surprise, surprise, newspapers arrive early. Something to do. I can’t remember when last I read almost every single word in a newspaper. Somehow, it’s night, and time for bed.
At work it’s easier. Lots and lots of work to do. Extremely busy. Hardly even time for lunch. But then it’s lunch, and I can’t help but remember the cig sometimes before lunch, and the one definitely after lunch. I’m amazed at the tricks the mind and body will put up trying to get me to smoke. I crave. I hunger. I’m coughing. I’m incredibly bored. I miss the feel of the cigarette between my fingers. I miss seeing smoke curl up in front my face. It’s perverse.
I decide against chewing gum, or mints. I figure, if I use these things as a substitute, I won’t be able to quite properly. See, chewing gum hurts my face, especially when I consume the volume I would need to take my mind off smoking. Also, maybe I would run out of these things one day, and a cigarette would be more accessible. Then I’d be right back to square one.
I miss the exercise session Monday. The flu attacks. Wednesday I’m back at the exercise routine. The reps increase by 5 today. I’m breathing better at the end of it. Feeling stronger too. Getting there, slowly, but surely.
Thursday afternoon we decide that we will have Chinese for dinner. Jade makes excellent food. So I stop there and order 2 Jade Fried Rice’s. Here I am thinking, I remember the times when I would be contentedly puffing away the time awaiting my food in the past. I take a deep breath and smell cigarette smoke. Bristol too. Damn, fellow passing on the road taking a puff. I step back in the restaurant, take a look at the menu. Another chap walks in, “Chinee!” Blows a cloud of smoke in my face. @#$%er. I nearly ask Chinee girl for one when she comes out. I go back outside. 2 fellows come in, order beer, step outside and sit on the bench-like contraption by the gate, next to where I’m standing looking at traffic. Everybody seems in a hurry to get home. One of the chaps light up. The other man inside is still puffing merrily away. Shit. Resolve, Nyall, resolve. Chinee girl calls out, “food ready”. At last. I head home. Food smells good. Extremely hungry now. I pass The Shop. I look longingly at the stack of cigarettes. I go home. Radha is proud of me. Tells me I did well.
Friday an excellent workout session. Breathing is much better. Still gasping for breath, but getting there. I’m beginning to get narcissistic now. I am beginning to see changes in my body. I’m quite sure it’s all in my imagination. Or maybe I’m holding the belly in when I should be relaxing it. But indulge me please. Anything to take my mind off the smoke.
Yesterday I woke up early and bounced off bed. Hey! Maybe I was told right. I’m not sleepy, drowsy, tired, run down. Maybe smoking depletes you severely in the mornings when you awaken. Hah! Benefits showing! I wash clothes. Have a great day.
Today it’s been leisurely. I can’t help but notice that I am able to spend more time with my wife and daughter now that I’m not stepping outside to take a smoke. And that’s true too. I took 6 minutes to smoke a cigarette. And smoked a pack a day. That’s 2 hours out of the waking day I would spend away from them. I feel proud. Benefits indeed. The craving is still there. The mind tricks play every now and again. But it is getting easier. Or so I like to tell myself. Again, indulge me, please.
How do I know I won’t start back after a month like I did last year you ask? I don’t. I’m pretty sure I won’t. But now I’ve got a motivation. Now there is Anusha.
Workout that afternoon was a struggle (for me at least). We warmed up on the treadmill for 4 minutes, then on the bicycle for 4 minutes. My lungs were screaming by then. I was out of breath, but not gasping yet. Stretching it out now, and with every breath the body saying perhaps a break for a cigarette?
Before I continue, a little background. Way back in ’94, when we started UG – the usual suspects, the 3 musketeers, me, Caps and Petu – I started trying out smoking. So I would try a cigarette or 2 whenever we went out to 1st street, UG Road to play pool. Them visits became daily, and the cigarette or 2 became 5 or 20. After 2 weeks, I thought, this is a bad habit you picking up, best leave it. Next day, it took ALL of my strength and will-power to refuse to smoke, watching them others puffing away merrily. I realized then, damn, this shit powerful.
One week passed and I told myself, OK, I can kick this shit any time I want. Back to 1 or 2, and then 5 or 20. In ’96, classes and schedules and life becoming for the 3 musketeers what they were, our daily outings became a thing of the past. They became at least weekly. Meantime, I found other acquaintances to socialize with.
So I started working part-time (took UG part-time too) and the smoking eased for me. Managed to keep it to the weekly musketeer gathering. Except whenever there is a late night study session in the stables. Then it’s light up for company, and cigarettes burning around you to keep away the insects. Then in 2000, my life changed forever, all my dreams, hopes and aspirations shot down. An event that occurred with the migration from our country of the most beautiful person (then) to me. Oh well…
I’m still working, going to UG, all part-time. Only, now I’ve discovered dominos. So after hours it’s off to the club for that, and a smoke or 20. Then the Friday evening musketeering for some more pool, and definitely 2 or 20 cigs.
Late 2001 I’m living alone in my little apartment. I can smoke freely here!!! Yeah!!! You can’t imagine the stress relieved with one little smoke. I think by now you know I’m hopelessly addicted.
2003 arrives, I’m now taking smokes during the lunch break at work. Eventually, them breaks include one at 10.30am, and then at 3.30pm. I’m up to at least a pack a day now, everyday. Got married, a beautiful wife who chides me, but tolerates the smoking. Quit for the whole month of January last year, then started back. Why? I felt bored one day. Hmmm…
Then Anusha arrives, and I have to smoke outside the house. Until now.
So we back to January 7th, and worked up a sweat for ¾ hour. Free-hand exercises, because we know our bodies not ready for weights yet. Warm down and stretches. By now my lungs are on flame, my throat is dry and itching, I am gasping for air, and dying for a smoke. But my muscles feel good! I feel like Superman. The workout has done wonders for the body. I relish feeling this way again, after a long time.
We go outside for a breeze, and I can’t help it, even after being admonished by Petu. Out comes the pack, and I light up. The throat immediately frees up, but the lungs fill up and burns, but differently now. Strangely, I don’t feel so satisfied now. Cigarette tastes strangely. I look in the pack, one left, about right that is. Usually the case, then I have to replenish as I pass the shop on the way home.
But not tonight, I make up my mind, this will be the last. Even now I’m debating. But I make my mind resolute. After this one, I quit! So it’s off home now feeling very good about this. I’m passing the shop now, slowing down. Deep breath, keep riding, straight home. Settled down, had dinner, taking a rock in the hammock. Last smoke, enjoyable really. I feel as though a good friend is dying. To bed.
Morning, 8th January, 2009. I awaken. As usual, fighting sleep. Don’t want to get up. I’ve been told that this is how all smokers feel in the mornings. The throat is scratching, I’m coughing, trying to clear it. My entire body is screaming for a cigarette. I ignore it. Dressed, at work, make it through the day.
At home now, really struggling. From our verandah I can see the shop. Right across the street. Salvation! Cigarettes! I stay off the verandah, in the house. I browse the net a bit, read a bit, watch TV a bit. The craving is incredible. I feel as though every single pore in my body is beating at me, screaming, “We need smoke!” I probably walk up and down the stairs 3 or 4 times. The proximity of the shop is on my mind. I get hungry early. I eat. My body reminds me of the usual smoke after eating. I ignore that. We go to bed.
Same routine next day. Except, it’s another bout of exercising in the afternoon. Same reaction like Wednesday, except I feel lighter, stronger now. But it will take a while I’m sure for my breathing to get anywhere close to normal.
It’s Saturday now, and except for some house chores, which the wife decides to relieve me of today, I have absolutely nothing to do. Except play with Anusha, feed her a bit. Give her a bath. Nothing to do. I feel incredibly bored. And I “know” the only solution is a smoke. I show Anusha all the excitement of the road from the verandah. I’m reminded how terribly close that damned shop is to home. Ok, so I show Anusha how much fun inside the house is too. I make it to bed time.
Sunday. An even more boring day than Saturday. Have you ever noticed when your DVD player not working, absolutely nothing good shows on TV? Surprise, surprise, newspapers arrive early. Something to do. I can’t remember when last I read almost every single word in a newspaper. Somehow, it’s night, and time for bed.
At work it’s easier. Lots and lots of work to do. Extremely busy. Hardly even time for lunch. But then it’s lunch, and I can’t help but remember the cig sometimes before lunch, and the one definitely after lunch. I’m amazed at the tricks the mind and body will put up trying to get me to smoke. I crave. I hunger. I’m coughing. I’m incredibly bored. I miss the feel of the cigarette between my fingers. I miss seeing smoke curl up in front my face. It’s perverse.
I decide against chewing gum, or mints. I figure, if I use these things as a substitute, I won’t be able to quite properly. See, chewing gum hurts my face, especially when I consume the volume I would need to take my mind off smoking. Also, maybe I would run out of these things one day, and a cigarette would be more accessible. Then I’d be right back to square one.
I miss the exercise session Monday. The flu attacks. Wednesday I’m back at the exercise routine. The reps increase by 5 today. I’m breathing better at the end of it. Feeling stronger too. Getting there, slowly, but surely.
Thursday afternoon we decide that we will have Chinese for dinner. Jade makes excellent food. So I stop there and order 2 Jade Fried Rice’s. Here I am thinking, I remember the times when I would be contentedly puffing away the time awaiting my food in the past. I take a deep breath and smell cigarette smoke. Bristol too. Damn, fellow passing on the road taking a puff. I step back in the restaurant, take a look at the menu. Another chap walks in, “Chinee!” Blows a cloud of smoke in my face. @#$%er. I nearly ask Chinee girl for one when she comes out. I go back outside. 2 fellows come in, order beer, step outside and sit on the bench-like contraption by the gate, next to where I’m standing looking at traffic. Everybody seems in a hurry to get home. One of the chaps light up. The other man inside is still puffing merrily away. Shit. Resolve, Nyall, resolve. Chinee girl calls out, “food ready”. At last. I head home. Food smells good. Extremely hungry now. I pass The Shop. I look longingly at the stack of cigarettes. I go home. Radha is proud of me. Tells me I did well.
Friday an excellent workout session. Breathing is much better. Still gasping for breath, but getting there. I’m beginning to get narcissistic now. I am beginning to see changes in my body. I’m quite sure it’s all in my imagination. Or maybe I’m holding the belly in when I should be relaxing it. But indulge me please. Anything to take my mind off the smoke.
Yesterday I woke up early and bounced off bed. Hey! Maybe I was told right. I’m not sleepy, drowsy, tired, run down. Maybe smoking depletes you severely in the mornings when you awaken. Hah! Benefits showing! I wash clothes. Have a great day.
Today it’s been leisurely. I can’t help but notice that I am able to spend more time with my wife and daughter now that I’m not stepping outside to take a smoke. And that’s true too. I took 6 minutes to smoke a cigarette. And smoked a pack a day. That’s 2 hours out of the waking day I would spend away from them. I feel proud. Benefits indeed. The craving is still there. The mind tricks play every now and again. But it is getting easier. Or so I like to tell myself. Again, indulge me, please.
How do I know I won’t start back after a month like I did last year you ask? I don’t. I’m pretty sure I won’t. But now I’ve got a motivation. Now there is Anusha.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
